Mark Buckton Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Liverpool, home of the Beatles, the....and the .......(In a state of confusion...) Anyway (Blinking...) , some attempts at laughter at the expense of our scouse cousins (scousers being the nickname of natives of Liverpool - if you are English you know the type - teenage lads that sell either crack or themselves to their teachers, 22-year old women babysitting their grandchildren and men named Terry that wear shell suits whilst drinking away their dole money) What do you call a scouser in a car? - A thief. What do you call a scouser in a suit? - The accused. What do you call a scouser in a house? - A burglar. What do you call a scouser sleeping beneath newspapers on a park bench? - Well off. What do you call a scouser that doesn't sell drugs? - Unemployed. Not all of the above is true of course and is but a few jokes (do you seriously think ALL men in Liverpool are called Terry?! Duh!)
Guest Mojo Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Well it's not making me laugh... Thats Not because I care for people from up there... It's just not funny (Hitting with chair...) (In a state of confusion...) (Running over the other guy...) (No-no...)
Mark Buckton Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 (edited) Well it's not making me laugh... Thats Not because I care for people from up there... It's just not funny (Hitting with chair...) (In a state of confusion...) (Running over the other guy...) (No-no...) These are based on the south west - funnier I hope? Farmer to his wife,"When I parssed the barn Fred 'ad 'anged iself from a beam". "Did 'ee cut'n down?" said the wife. "No 'ee wad'n dead yet." said the farmer. And - A Cornish miner fell down a tin mine shaft. His fellow miners called down the shaft to him, "Ess anythin' brokun?". "Naw", he replied, "there's nawthen down 'ere but a few rocks". (Blinking...) Why don't any emoticons have a piece of grass hanging out the corner of the mouth? Edited April 4, 2004 by Adachinoryu
Mark Buckton Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 And a beauty on my own home town (In a state of confusion...) MANCHESTER'S BID TO STAGE THE 2004 OLYMPIC GAMES ------------------------------------------------ In an attempt to influence the members of the International Olympic Committee on their choice of venue for the games in the year 2004, the organisers of Manchester's bid have drawn up an itinerary and schedule of events. A copy has been leaked and is reproduced below. OPENING CEREMONY ---------------- The Olympic flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city (preferably from the Moss Side area) wearing the traditional balaclava. The flame will be contained in a large chip-pan situated on the roof of the stadium. THE EVENTS ---------- In previous Olympic games, Manchester's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes. 100 METRES SPRINT ----------------- Competitors will have to hold a video recorder and microwave (one in each arm) and, on the sound of the starting pistol, a police dog will be released from a cage 10 yards behind the athletes. 100 METRES HURDLES ------------------ As above but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc...). HAMMER ------ Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, etc). The winner will be the one who can cause the most grievous bodily harm to members of the public within the time allowed. FENCING ------- Entrants will be asked to dispose of as much stolen silver and jewellery as possible in 5 mins. SHOOTING -------- A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller, or Securicor wages delivery man. BOXING ------ Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence. CYCLING TIME TRIALS ------------------- Competitors will be asked to break into the university bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy from the country on his first trip away from home. All against the clock. CYCLING PURSUIT --------------- As above but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft. MODERN PENTATHLON ----------------- Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joy riding, and arson. THE MARATHON ------------ A safe route has yet to be decided, but the competitors will be issued with sharp sticks and bags with which to pick up litter on their way around the course. SWIMMING -------- Competitors will be thrown off the bridge over the ship canal. The first three survivors back will decide the medals. MEN'S 50KM WALK --------------- Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Manchester. THE CLOSING CEREMONY -------------------- Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Salford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing, and music by the Stockport Community Choir. The Olympic flame will be extinguished by someone dropping an old washing machine on to it from the top floor of the block of flats next to the stadium. The stadium will then be boarded up before the local athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.
Mark Buckton Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 At the risk of upsetting mojo - some more on Liverpool. Q: Why do Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? A: So they ain't mistaken fur a Liverpudlian women. Q: Define confusion A: Fathers day in Liverpool Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside? Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. What would it take to reunite the Beatles ? 3 more bullets ! (read 2 now) What do you say to a Scouser with a job? Big Mac please.
Mark Buckton Posted April 4, 2004 Author Posted April 4, 2004 And to give today a true EU feel - Three guys are debating about which of their languages is themost pleasing to the ear.The Spaniard says, "Consider the word for 'butterfly'. In Spanish, this is Mariposa, a beautiful sounding word."The French guy says, "True, but Papillon is even more beautiful"."What's wrong with Schmetterlink?", says the German... A cannibal went into the butcher shop to buy some brains for dinner. She saw that American and British brains were $4.95 per lb and French brains were $450.00 per lb. She gasped and asked the butcher if the price of the French brains were a misprint. "No ma'm," answered the butcher. "That is the correct price." "Well, why are the French brains so expensive?" exclaimed the cannibal. "Do you know how many French it takes to get a pound of brains?" replied the butcher. Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water." Q: Why do the French call their fighter the "Mirage"? A: Because it's never seen in a combat zone. Q. What did the barber say to the Italian kid? A. Do you want your hair cut or should I just change the oil? Q: What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 170? A: Sicily. Q. How does an Italian get into an honest business? A. Usually through the skylight. Did you hear about the 21 year old Italian girl who knelt in front of the statue of Madonna? She said: "You who conceived without sin, let me sin without conceiving"
Guest Mojo Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 (edited) Thats funny! :-) :-S :-D :-) Edit: post shortened and quote taken out because of little, tiny rijicho...happy? (Bleh!) P.S. take it how you like it... Edited April 6, 2004 by Mojo
Guest Mojo Posted April 4, 2004 Posted April 4, 2004 Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, " says the genie. The American says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in America." With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in America was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall. The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out." The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water." This is great! "Fill it up with water" thats so funny I was laughing for 10 minutes! :-) :-) :-S :-D :-D
MongolPower Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 'Fill it up with wine' would be wonderful, wouldn't it? :-S
Guest Mojo Posted April 5, 2004 Posted April 5, 2004 A lake of wine in the shape of france help in with giant walls..... I think water is just as good :-) because you would be able to see the eiffel tower beneith the surface....hmm listen to me going on asif that would ever happen... :-S
Rijicho Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 (edited) No quoting whole long messages. As a rule of thumb, your post should be at least almost as long as the part you quote. Nothing is more annoying than reading 200 rows of quoted message and then 1 row of reply to the quoted message. Editing the quote is highly recommended and easy as such. Edited April 6, 2004 by Rijicho
Guest Mojo Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 No quoting whole long messages. As a rule of thumb, your post should be at least almost as long as the part you quote. Nothing is more annoying than reading 200 rows of quoted message and then 1 row of reply to the quoted message. Editing the quote is highly recommended and easy as such. :-/ (Sign of disapproval) :-D (Enjoying a beer...) (In a bad mood...) Do you have to read every thing you see rijicho....? (Sign of disapproval)
Hashira Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 i have to agree with rijicho. even if one isn't reading the quote, it is a pain to scroll down through it looking for the next new post. theres no reason to quote the whole thing.
Doitsuyama Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Do you have to read every thing you see rijicho....? (Sign of disapproval) Hehe, with your attitude a try-out as wanna-be rikishi in a REAL sumo heya will be a clear failure!
Rijicho Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Do you have to read every thing you see rijicho....? I do not understand your point at all. Long quotes are totally unnecessary and they are only a burden. Hence the exhortation not to do that. If you get irritated by critique of this kind, I have to wonder how ready would you be to enter the world of ozumo?!? Quite surprised of your reaction. Maybe I should have given you alternatives you could have chosen from! 1. Please if you would be so kind and possibly refrain from putting long quotes in your messages as there may be some forum members who have such strange minds that they consider such quotes unnecessary and annoying to scroll away? I humbly ask you to consider this if it is not too much of a discomfort to you. or 2. Wanna go into the corner? Want a penalty? Take this in now. I will only say this once: NEVER put gigantic quotes into your posts without a VERY good reason. It is stupid. lazy and very inconsiderate behaviour. Honour this from now on or face the extreme consequences.
Asashosakari Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Do you have to read every thing you see rijicho....? (Sign of disapproval) Hehe, with your attitude a try-out as wanna-be rikishi in a REAL sumo heya will be a clear failure! And the edited version of the Apr 5, 2004, 00:36 post would probably qualify for the Futahaguro treatment...
Guest Mojo Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 Well I have not read any of what you people have said here and I don't plan to... so you have wasted alot of your time with all of that rubbish... but hey what ever turns you on! (Enjoying a beer...)
Mark Buckton Posted April 6, 2004 Author Posted April 6, 2004 (edited) Well I have not read any of what you people have said here and I don't plan to... so you have wasted alot of your time with all of that rubbish...but hey what ever turns you on! :-/ Mojo - off forum I tried to help you and all I got was, "can't, haven't yet, don't really like" and other wimperings. Last week you capped it with a host of little messages on screen I didn't have time to answer to and then had a go at me for not doing so - despite me putting you in touch with the BSF when you 'couldn't' :-D The people above and I don't often agree - on this we do. Sorry but I don't see you as fit mentally to even consider joining a heya. (Enjoying a beer...) Enjoy SF but don't ask for advice agin - you won't get any I'd dare say. Edited April 6, 2004 by Adachinoryu
Guest Mojo Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I'd sooner pound the lot of you in to a pulp than read this garbage, you morrons! P.S. try not to have a heart attack when reading this post! Geeks!
Guest Mojo Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I never asked for your help you just gave it... shrimp!
Yubiquitoyama Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 (edited) I'd sooner pound the lot of you in to a pulp than read this garbage, you morrons!P.S. try not to have a heart attack when reading this post! Geeks! Sigh. Please calm down somewhat. Some of us are geeks (I know I am) and several probably morons (I Edited April 6, 2004 by Yubiquitoyama
Mark Buckton Posted April 6, 2004 Author Posted April 6, 2004 I never asked for your help you just gave it... shrimp! The text of your message.... ""If you did not read what I said to that post you posted about you being suspicious of me.. well I don't understand why you were saying that to me.. any way in that post you said some thing to do with giving me information about stuff that may help me...well I was hoping you could give the info to me through here, because I block my email? I always want helpful information, so..well it's up to you... "" Never asked hey? (Enjoying a beer...) :-/ :-D
Guest Mojo Posted April 6, 2004 Posted April 6, 2004 I never asked for your help you just gave it... shrimp! The text of your message.... ""If you did not read what I said to that post you posted about you being suspicious of me.. well I don't understand why you were saying that to me.. any way in that post you said some thing to do with giving me information about stuff that may help me...well I was hoping you could give the info to me through here, because I block my email? I always want helpful information, so..well it's up to you... "" Never asked hey? (Enjoying a beer...) :-/ :-D NO! I did not ask you offered to give me information and some help FIRST!! When infact you did Not help me at all! MARK! or ANR what ever!
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