Ridiculous Predictions Aki 2021

[Yamanashi 3,725]

Please, only Ridiculous Predictions in this thread.

For starters:

Ichinojo is hoping upon hope that he can enter the basho, since he's come up with a devastating tactic.  He's snarfing down huge amounts of Szechuan peppers and sitting near a humidifier.  His plan is to snuffle and drip so much that his opponents think he's still got COVID, so they will self-henka to avoid getting near him.

[Seiyashi 4,071]

37 minutes ago, Yamanashi said:

Please, only Ridiculous Predictions in this thread.

For starters:

Ichinojo is hoping upon hope that he can enter the basho, since he's come up with a devastating tactic.  He's snarfing down huge amounts of Szechuan peppers and sitting near a humidifier.  His plan is to snuffle and drip so much that his opponents think he's still got COVID, so they will self-henka to avoid getting near him.

You forgot a soaked sponge hidden in the towel.

[sumojoann 1,256]

1 hour ago, Yamanashi said:

Please, only Ridiculous Predictions in this thread.

For starters:

Ichinojo is hoping upon hope that he can enter the basho, since he's come up with a devastating tactic.  He's snarfing down huge amounts of Szechuan peppers and sitting near a humidifier.  His plan is to snuffle and drip so much that his opponents think he's still got COVID, so they will self-henka to avoid getting near him.

What does a self-henka look like?

[code_number3 694]

Shonanzakura will make an appearance on either Abema or NHK.

[Asojima 2,870]

44 minutes ago, sumojoann said:

What does a self-henka look like?

Shonanzakura did a lot of them.  Check his videos.  

[sumojoann 1,256]

***** See my summary at the bottom.  Sorry - I got carried away with my ridiculous predictions!*****

The infamous Shonanzakura (Hattorizakura) changes his mind about retiring and wants to be let back into ozumo.  Everyone scoffs until it's found out that there's a little known Kyokai rule that if the Sumo Forum Reference Database hasn't been updated to show he's intai, he can be let back in.  Since the Aki Banzuke has already been released, the Kyokai takes the unprecedented step of making Shonanzakura a "wild card", with no Banzuke ranking.  Depending on how well he does, he can be assigned to fight anyone in any of the 6 divisions.   However, his old heya, Shikihide, doesn't want him back for obvious reasons.  In tears, he shows up on the doorstep of Tokitsukaze Beya, and persuades Shodai to take him in, which he does in after consulting with his Oyakata.  His reasons for taking him in are sneaky & evil.  He convinces himself that if he does keiko with Shonanzakura, it will make him (Shodai) look good and he will regain the respect of his fans and the other rikishi in Sanyaku.  However, Shonanzakura, overjoyed at what he thinks is Shodai's kindness, gets a sudden burst of self-confidence and hires a personal trainer to beef up his puny body.  He also starts eating Wheaties, the "Breakfast of Champions", and watching Youtube videos, "Ozumo 101: Parts 1-8, the last one having the title, "How to defeat weak Ozekis".  Keiko begins in earnest but Shonanzakura rebuffs Shodai's constant invitations to train together, wanting to build himself up first.  The Aki Basho is starting in 2 weeks so time is of the essence!  Known for his diligence in training, Shonanzakura sneaks out of his bedcovers during the night and goes down to the dohyo in the heya.  Every night, he does 500 shiko, 500 teppo and circles the dohyo 10 times while doing suriashi.  After one week, with only one week to go until the Basho, Shonanzakura is ready to take on Shodai in keiko.  Not surprisingly, they run into problems immediately at the tachiai.  Since they both rear their heads back, they keep bouncing off each other's chest and falling in the dirt.  Neither one is winning any of the keiko bouts.  At this point, Shodai becomes extremely depressed and pessimistic and loses what little confidence he had.  His sneaky & evil plan to use Shonanzakura to make himself look better has failed. 

Kintamayama suddenly shows up to interview them both.  Shonanzakura, thrilled to be interviewed and full of self-confidence, shows off his newly beefed up body.  Kintamayama is so impressed, he all but ignores Shodai, who is sulking in the corner, muttering, "Yeah, yeah, I'll gambarize, whatever.......".  Shonanzakura gives a great interview, complete with witty quips and promises to gambarize.

The first day of the Aki Basho arrives.  The spectators arrive early in the day, and all eyes are on Shonanzakura.  The reporters are abuzz with news that the Kyokai, in an overnight emergency meeting, have decided to allow Shonanzakura to fight for 15 days, but only if he wins the first 7 bouts.  On Day 1, he's paired with a Jonokuchi rikishi and wins!!  The second day, he defeats a Jonidan rikishi, and the third day, he advances to Sandanme.  He's now 3-0.  He defeats 2 more Sandanme rikishi and then it's on to Makushita.  Still undefeated, he advances to Juryo.  The spectators go crazy when he defeats Hokuseiho, who was heavily favored.  By this time, the crowd has forgotten about the past, about the 3 wins, 238 losses, 104 straight losses.  Against Covid protocol, they begin to cheer loudly.  He continues his relentless march onward.  Each day, he advances.  By the time he reaches Makuuchi, he's 7-0!!  The level of competition is high and getting harder to defeat.  The rikishi are tough and many are veterans.  But his youth and all that hard training are on his side (along with the Wheaties) and he plows ahead.  He's clever and confident, so much so that he anticipates correctly that Chiyoshouma will henka him, and does his own henka.  They doe-see-doe past each other, like 2 leaping country-western dancers.  Again the spectators go wild!  No one can believe it when the lower Maegashira drop like flies.  Success upon success.  All his preparation is paying off.  He's now 12-0 and has reached Sanyaku.  Can't stop now!  It's now Day 13.  All that's left to fight are Ichinojo, who has miraculously recovered from Covid, Shodai, who amazingly enough is in contention for the Yusho (another ridiculous prediction!) and Hakuho, who's looking to win his 46th Yusho.  Unfortunately, Terunofuji hurt his knees while performing his dohyo-iri and was kyujo.  Shonanzakura notices that Ichinojo's back is hurting so easily dispatches him.  Now it's Day 14 and once again he faces Shodai.  Unfortunately, Shodai has still not learned not to rear back at tachiai and this time, he tumbles backward and off the dohyo!  Day 15 is here!!!  It's Shonanzakura vs Hakuho!  Hakuho slams into him with a kachiage and then toyed with him in a brutal manner.  But Shonanzakura had prepared for this day.  Everything came down to Senshuraku.  His body, though battered, was still young and beefy, and better yet, was only 23 years old.  Hakuho was 36 now, with a bum knee and smashed toes.  Hakuho tried to end the bout quickly as he was getting quite winded, but Shonanzakura hung on.  The 5,000 spectators went wild in anticipation, screaming, yelling, clapping and stomping.  The atmosphere in the Kokugikan was electric!!  Suddenly, Shonanzakura, formerly the losingest rikishi in the history of ozumo, swept his right foot behind Hakuho's left foot (kimarite susoharai) and it was all over!!   The noise from the crowd was deafening.  No one could believe that Shonanzakura, "The Loser" had won!  Especially zensho-yusho.  And Hakuho was Jun-Yusho!

***** Summary ***** Sorry, you all.  I got carried away with my ridiculous predictions.  To summarize, Shonanzakura is let back into the world of ozumo due to the fact that the Sumo Forum Database had not been updated to show him being intai.  Since the Banzuke is already out, Shonanzakura is set up as a "wild card" with no ranking.  He's allowed to fight his way all the way from Jonokuchi to the Yokozuna for all 15 days.  Shonanzakura wins the Aki Basho zensho-yusho, Hakuho is Jun-Yusho (maybe not so ridiculous), and Shodai is in contention for the Yusho.

Edited August 30, 2021 by sumojoann

[Mightyduck 67]

Shodai to copy Hakuho and tachiai from the bales.

ABI to be told that only yotsu wins count towards promotion.

Edited August 30, 2021 by Mightyduck

[Sue 483]

Asanoyama yush-- oh, wait, I did that one last time.

[Kaminariyuki 497]

Shonanzakura and Takagenji start their own podcast, Where they are granted an exclusive interview where Hakuho announces his intai.

Edited August 30, 2021 by Kaminariyuki

[Shinobi Steve 146]

21 minutes ago, Kaminariyuki said:

Shonanzakura and Takagenji start their own podcast, Where they are granted an exclusive interview where Hakuho announces his intai.

And the entire podcast is executed in flawless English. 

[sumojoann 1,256]

32 minutes ago, Kaminariyuki said:

Shonanzakura and Takagenji start their own podcast, Where they are granted an exclusive interview where Hakuho announces his intai.

Takagenji introduces Shonanzakura to weed which they smoke throughout the podcast.  They begin to talk slower and slower, meandering from subject to subject.  After 4 hours, their listeners, what's left of them, tune out.  Shonanzakura and Takagenji are oblivious because they have wandered off in search of munchies.

Edited August 30, 2021 by sumojoann

[Kenneth Minami 60]

Chiyoshoma feels bad and asks ex-Arawashi to replace him. After getting some steroids and drugs from ex-Takagenji, Arawashi manages to win a Yusho. 
On senshuraku the two Mongolians meet each other in Kokugikan, when the name of a winner is announced, a serious quarrel starts between them - Chiyoshoma wants his money for a yusho, but it was Arawashi who deserved it.

Rijicho Hakkaku announces that the only way to deal with the problem is a kettei-sen.

After 10 minutes of fighting Arawashi (in black mawashi) wins. Chiyoshoma, who was also wearing black mawashi, was announced as a winner by mistake (by aways absent-minded tate-gyoji, of course). 
Arawashi, angry as never in his life, kills Chiyoshoma and takes all the trophies. He wants to leave Japan as fast as possible and buys ticket to Mongolia.

Five minutes before the flight, the Police arrest the criminal. But…

It was Chiyoshoma.

 

Edited August 30, 2021 by Kenneth Minami

[Yamanashi 3,725]

4 minutes ago, Kenneth Minami said:

Chiyoshoma feels bad and asks ex-Arawashi to replace him. After getting some steroids and drugs from ex-Takagenji, Arawashi manages to win a Yusho. 
On senshuraku the two Mongolians meet each other in Kokugikan, when the name of a winner is announced, a serious quarrel starts between them - Chiyoshoma wants his money for a yusho, but it was Arawashi who deserved it.

Rijicho Hakkaku announces that the only way to deal with the problem is a kettei-sen.

After 10 minutes of fighting Arawashi (in black mawashi) wins. Chiyoshoma, who was also wearing black mawashi, was announced as a winner by mistake (by aways absent-minded tate-gyoji, of course). 
Arawashi, angry as never in his life, kills Chiyoshoma and takes all the trophies. He wants to leave Japan as fast as possible and buys ticket to Mongolia.

Five minutes before the flight, the Police arrest the criminal. But…

It was Chiyoshoma.

 

https://imgflip.com/memetemplate/103123450/Spider-Man-Double

 

[Masunofuji 36]

Hakuho loses to Hoshoryu on day 1, goes intai.

[Sue 483]

We make it to senshuraku with no new scandals, and no one contracting COVID-19.

[Yamanashi 3,725]

6 minutes ago, Sue said:

We make it to senshuraku with no new scandals, and no one contracting COVID-19.

Geez, gal, making it to day one would be a ridiculous prediction; this stuff is impossible.

[sahaven111 172]

19 hours ago, sumojoann said:

***** Summary ***** Sorry, you all.  I got carried away with my ridiculous predictions.  To summarize, Shonanzakura is let back into the world of ozumo due to the fact that the Sumo Forum Database had not been updated to show him being intai.  Since the Banzuke is already out, Shonanzakura is set up as a "wild card" with no ranking.  He's allowed to fight his way all the way from Jonokuchi to the Yokozuna for all 15 days.  Shonanzakura wins the Aki Basho zensho-yusho, Hakuho is Jun-Yusho (maybe not so ridiculous), and Shodai is in contention for the Yusho.

Shodai in contention for the yusho?! that's crazy!

[sumojoann 1,256]

3 minutes ago, sahaven111 said:

Shodai in contention for the yusho?! that's crazy!

LOL ........... That's right!  That's why I included it in my post.  Maybe the title of the thread should be changed to "Crazy & Ridiculous Predictions" or "Crazy, Ridiculous and Impossible Predictions".

[Kaminariyuki 497]

16 hours ago, Masunofuji said:

Hakuho loses to Hoshoryu on day 1, goes intai.

Are you sure you meant to post that in this thread? Hakuho is one of my favorites but I consider this entirely plausible. Not likely, and not being mean, but I think it's well shy of ridiculous. Yokozunas usually seem to get konosubi on Day 1 (and from the west for an east yokozuna) but they do sometimes get paired to M-1. And, I think on any given day, Hoshoryu could beat anyone in makuuchi.

[Yaochozuna 137]

Shonanzakura is offered ichidai toshiori, accepts and opens Shounanzakura-beya (spelt exactly this way), called Hattorizakura-doujou (also spelt exactly this way). When Hakuho protests and points out that not even himself was given ichidai toshiori he's told by the Kyokai (via Shibatayama) that Shonanzakura has shown much more consistence.

Edited August 31, 2021 by Yaochozuna
I suck at English.

[Yamanashi 3,725]

16 minutes ago, Yaochozuna said:

Shonanzakura has shown much more consistence.

Also, they pointed out that he was Japanese.  (Ouh Nou, did I just gou there?)

[Gurowake 3,922]

3 hours ago, Kaminariyuki said:

Yokozunas usually seem to get konosubi on Day 1 (and from the west for an east yokozuna) but they do sometimes get paired to M-1. And, I think on any given day, Hoshoryu could beat anyone in makuuchi.

Unless two of the other sanyaku withdraw and we're left with only 6 to compete, Hakuho will face Ichinojo on Day 1 (if only Ichinojo withdraws, then Hakuho will face Takayasu) and Hoshoryu will face Terunofuji.  If 2 sanyaku do withdraw, regardless of whether one of them is Ichinojo, then Hakuho will likely face Hoshoryu Day 1.

[Benevolance 2,478]

No, SIX kinboshi! 

[junsan 170]

Shodai shines as Ozeki.

[Ichimawashi 573]

Miyagino rikishi pitch a perfect yusho, all of them KK by Day 11 and several in yusho races at all levels.  Surprisingly, the one thing that unites all of them is a fair bit of yawning and napping as they await their bouts, and even occasionally on the dohyo before the bouts begin.  Journalists check out the Miyagino rooms expecting to find early morning training going on that would explain all the yawning, but the opposite is true: the entire stable is sleeping in and training in the evening!  Other oyakata interviewed about this find it preposterous and against the traditions of sumo, but the Miyagino guys keep winning and staying up late.  Hakuho has yawned his way to an 11-0 record and Terunofuji suffers a new injury in an early match against Kotonowaka, which is initially described as not-knee-related but eventually turns out to be an elbow problem forcing an early withdrawal.

A new story begins to emerge around Day 9, when Ichinojo, recovered from a positive covid test, asks the media if there was a small earthquake in the Tokyo area during his bout.  "Not joking, it felt like the dohyo was for just a moment a little weak," he claims.  Other wrestlers begin to report the same, a slight feeling of imbalance which is usually felt near the exact centre of the dohyo.  Skepticism and denial as usual come from the NSK, while the dohyo makers are not amused and threaten to have it left to amateurs for future bashos if these insults are not stopped immediately.

Hakuho yawns his way to another zensho.  Ishiura finishes 13-2 and looks like a possible sanyaku candidate.  Hokuseiho and Enho fight in a playoff for the Juryo yusho each at 14-1 and Enho wins by yorikiri to the surprise of everyone on the planet.  All six yusho winners are Miyagino guys with only one non-Miyagino wrestler in a yusho playoff.  All await the yusho interview.  The interviewer makes his opening comments as Hakuho yawns, then asks the first question.  Hakuho takes a deep breath and ignores the first question completely.  The translation of his words is quite accurate, but commentators say that it lost much in the translation, having a calm and serene sound in Japanese.

"My friend, if you don't mind, I will gracefully sidestep the question and say a few respectful words of my own.  I have been in this position many times and have answered much the same questions each time, sometimes getting myself into trouble when I improvise a bit with the best of intentions.  I'm happy to have won, and happy that my stable has had such fine success in this basho.  I am sorry to see that injury has befallen a worthy new yokozuna and I want to keep competing until we can meet again in the dohyo.

"I do want to say something about the recent Olympics and Paralympics.  It saddens me that sumo had almost no part in the ceremonies, so I have arranged for us to honor some of the Japanese medalists by inviting them here today so that we can honor their achievements.  Thanks to some kind people who gave up their seats upon my request, they are seated very nearby so you can introduce them all from this list, rather than hear the same old things you have heard from me so many times.  That's all I wish to say at this point."  The audience erupts with applause and the interviewer reads off the names on the list one by one, to more and more applause as the medalists stand to receive their accolades.  The effect is marvelous.  Even Kitanofuji is impressed to the point of being visibly moved in the broadcast booth.  It seems, he muses, that Hakuho has finally found true hinkaku.

Much later, when the innumerable prizes are being handed out, a presenter slips and falls over, but is caught just in time by Hakuho with amazing deftness!  Finally the last prize is given, the other rituals completed, and the dohyo dug up to retrieve the traditional items placed just below the centre of the action before the basho.  It is at this very point, televised for all still watching to see, that the final words of Hakuho's speech take on a completely new meaning....

The traditional grains and rice were gone, replaced, apparently from below, with a bloody horse's head!  When carefully removed, there was one other item, later identified as a silver medal from the 1968 Olympics.  Underneath it, forensic evidence showed, a carefully cut-away dohyo replaced by other material to hold up what was left (although not as well) and a secret entrance, partially by way of a fresh tunnel, to the spot directly below the dohyo where the theft of the traditional items had begun.  Kokugikan janitors were questioned; none had any idea how or when such an operation took place, other than to confirm that it must have been in the early-morning hours, over the course of several days, and during the basho, after the dohyo-building was completed.  Police were called in and were baffled and remained so for weeks.

The Great Sumo Mystery reverberated through the world's press for weeks, achieving the level of press coverage only previously reserved for lost jetliners, toddlers falling into wells, and murder trials of former athletes.  It was quickly noted that solving the mystery required an intricate knowledge of sumo's traditions, and that as these became well-known, more and more people were viewing the YouTube videos of recent tournaments and enjoying what they saw.  New sumo fans were everywhere!  And the obvious theory was that it was the yawning Miyagino guys who had pulled off the great heist in the wee hours, to send a message (some called it An Offer They Can't Refuse) to the NSK about the shoddy treatment of their yokozuna during the Olympics.  But how could they have pulled off such a heist and done so well in the basho while being up all night digging tunnels and lurking around?  One wild theory was that they had gained the extra energy required by consuming the rest of the horse.

The NSK reacted as usual, calling Hakuho to address a meeting and answer some very serious questions, but delaying and rescheduling the meeting several times.  Finally the day of the meeting arrived.  Denied the opportunity to hold a press conference before or after the meeting, Hakuho chose to walk, attracting a huge crowd of people on a beautiful sunny day, including several media with cameras and recorders.  He had chosen to wear his father's silver medal from the 1968 games, showing it off to the cameras to prove that it was genuine, but answering no other questions.  The meeting was surprisingly quick and no comments made by anyone; nothing was done, even after some time had passed.  The media stayed on the story until the Big Break just before banzuke day for the November tournament.  This consisted of two photos of the home of one of the NSK spokesmen (you know the one I mean), one photo taken the day before the meeting, from which it was speculated that just inside a window you could see the container that the traditional grains and rice were placed into.  The other taken the day after had one subtle difference.

Apparently, after the meeting, the offending item was quickly removed.  So, quietly a few weeks later, was the official.