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Yamanashi

Ridiculous Predictions November 2020 basho

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Remember, we're looking for the absurd and bizarre, not the merely unlikely.  Save the "Hoshoryu zensho yusho!" stuff for the Non-K November Basho thread.

Last Basho's posts were ... magnificent.  Let's do even better.  Two new rules: no mention of Hattorizakura, and no politics.

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An old couple decides to see Ozumo one last time, and attends Day 1.  They see Ikioi, Shohozan, Kotoshogiku, Chiyomaru, Jokoryu, Chiyootori in Juryo, and mistake it for Makuuchi.  The wife whispers to her husband, "they're not giving out kensho; they must be hard up because of the COVID thing."  They leave in disgust at the end of Juryo; husband grumbles "At least one Yokozuna should show up each basho!"

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This basho will be a boring one.  An yokozuna will win it with 14-1 record.  There will be a usual upsets and exciting matches.  A few lower ranked rikish will make a move up or down.  There will be injuries, even a COVID scare.   One of the Ozeki will go kadoban.  Endo, Mitakeumi will not live up my expectation.  Enho will entertain as usual. Judges will screw up a good share of monoii calls.  If any of you expect anything other than a ho-hum basho, you are in for a big surprise.  End of my prediction.

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Akua, since his annoying henka loss to Meisei in the Tatsunami tomoesen in July, has studied the sumo of all makuuchi rikishi and succeeds in henka-ing all his opponents for a zensho yusho. Akiseyama has learned the secrets of the berserkers and manages to crush all resistance, storm into makuuchi for Hatsu and start his run for the top. Sumo popularity worldwide drops to an all time low.

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2 hours ago, Yamanashi said:

Two new rules: no mention of Hattorizakura, and no politics.

Oh man, no..! He won't ever get a prediction in the official basho thread, and now here also? :-D

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Kak fights all 15 days and gets a zensho yusho while Hak announces his retirement on day 8 and sets up a florist stall in the foyer of the Kokugikan selling rather nice posies of Winter flowers.

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Another 3-way Tatsunami play-off ensues. This time Hoshoryu emerges victorious after pretending to welcome Meisei in for another hug, only to hook his foot around and trip him. Akua did not participate as everyone, including Akua, forgot about Akua.

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There will be a 6 way play-off in every division, with each one's lowest ranked rikishi winning it. Hakuhō will compete all 15 days without going kyūjō but will finish the basho with a 015.

Edited by Bombur

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The makuuchi yusho will take an extra week to decide, due to delays in results from mail-in matches.

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57 minutes ago, Sue said:

The makuuchi yusho will take an extra week to decide, due to delays in results from mail-in matches.

Skating close to politics, but meant in good fun, and funny!

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1 hour ago, Sue said:

The makuuchi yusho will take an extra week to decide, due to delays in results from mail-in matches.

... will wait no matter which combatant insists he won.  

More prediction on my part ... Shimanoumi with the coveted rank of M17E will take the yusho.  Oh, wait.  That can really happen. :-P

Edited by robnplunder
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On 02/11/2020 at 07:54, Yamanashi said:

Two new rules: no mention of Hattorizakura

Crap. I overplayed my hand in the Polls forum. 

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On day 1, during his walk to the ring for the musubi no ichiban, Hokuho slips on an errant yakitori skewer. Hokuho falls to the ground. As he stands, chonmage wildly disheveled, a hush falls over the beer swilling crowd of 5,000 Covid free spectators. Hokuho looks down at his right knee and waves his arms in the air signaling his withdrawal from the tournament. 

 

 

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Hakuho enters, only so that he can repeatedly slap Hokutofuji around the dohyo on Day 1 before delivering him into the pocket of Fujishima-oyakata with a furious dame-oshi, having already won the bout. After the ensuing furore and recent strong language directed towards him by the YDC, he sensationally intais and also pulls all of the rikishi from Miyagino beya out of the basho as well, setting up a splinter league in Tottori. Ichinojo, on the eve of senshuraku and with a 7-7 record, joins as well, stating "I have nothing left to prove."

Meanwhile, the three Onami brothers all yusho in the top three divisions, with faux-Komusubi Takasu and Fujinoteru winning the bottom two divisions.

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Hakuho inceases his chances of winning the yusho by changing his shikons to " Corona Virus. "

Edited by Fujisan
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45 minutes ago, Fujisan said:

Hakuho inceases his chances of winning the yusho by changing his shikons to " Corona Virus. "

Brilliant!  No one can be within 2 meters, so he advances and they step out.

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Ura begins with six straight wins, loses one to Ishiura, then racks up seven more to clinch Juryo at 13-1.  Slowly it becomes clear that Ura is the true flying monkey, especially as Tobizaru loses seven straight, beats Enho, then loses six more, and the schedulers decide to pit them together on the final day in a Darwin matchup.  In the staredown, Ura puts his fists in his armpits and does a chicken impression before turning and leaping to his corner.  Tobizaru shakes his head and walks over to his corner as the crowd begins to murmur in anticipation.  The final seconds leading up to tachiai are as tense as anyone can remember, until an explosive tachiai with .... no contact!  Both have jumped more or less straight up, trying to outfly the other, and the thud as they both land is deafening.  They bounce into a secondary tachiai and Tobizaru gets the upper hand, lowering Ura to the ground like a dancing partner in a dip.  But just before the back of Ura's NHL goalie kneepads touch, he somehow hooks an arm around the back of Tobizaru's head and gets enough leverage for a throw that nobody later can figure out even in slow motion replay.  Tobizaru sees what's coming and launches just in time, doing a full 360 in the air and landing on his feet, as Ura lands on the tawara and skirts 270 degrees of it before regaining his balance.  Tobizaru charges and in mid-charge notes that Ura has bounced backwards off the tawara, but in changing course fails to notice that he is now squarely behind the confused gyoji, and all three end up in the timing judge's lap.  A rematch is called and excitement builds as a new gyoji is called for.  Seven more staredowns follow until it is discovered that the reason the timing judge has still not given the signal is because he is unconscious as his injuries set in post-monoii.  A new timing judge enters, and the second tachiai is completely opposite to the first, as both try to get lower than the other and go headfirst into the centre of the dohyo at the same time.  Rematch again.  Both rikishi take extra time with the wiping cloth, plotting zany strategies to consider.  Ura lines up far back from the line, and Tobizaru lines up backwards!  Ura charges, Tobizaru jumps straight up, lands perfectly as Ura rushes below, to push for the easy okuridashi.  Mono-ii.  Finally, the match is decided in Tobizaru's favour as the head judge explains "we think this is illegal but we don't care, there are twelve more matches to go and we don't have all night!"

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Takakeisho after watching American wrestling,throws his salt in his opponents eyes and pins him for a count of three..... 

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2 hours ago, Ichimawashi said:

Ura begins with six straight wins, loses one to Ishiura, then racks up seven more to clinch Juryo at 13-1.  Slowly it becomes clear that Ura is the true flying monkey, especially as Tobizaru loses seven straight, beats Enho, then loses six more, and the schedulers decide to pit them together on the final day in a Darwin matchup.  In the staredown, Ura puts his fists in his armpits and does a chicken impression before turning and leaping to his corner.  Tobizaru shakes his head and walks over to his corner as the crowd begins to murmur in anticipation.  The final seconds leading up to tachiai are as tense as anyone can remember, until an explosive tachiai with .... no contact!  Both have jumped more or less straight up, trying to outfly the other, and the thud as they both land is deafening.  They bounce into a secondary tachiai and Tobizaru gets the upper hand, lowering Ura to the ground like a dancing partner in a dip.  But just before the back of Ura's NHL goalie kneepads touch, he somehow hooks an arm around the back of Tobizaru's head and gets enough leverage for a throw that nobody later can figure out even in slow motion replay.  Tobizaru sees what's coming and launches just in time, doing a full 360 in the air and landing on his feet, as Ura lands on the tawara and skirts 270 degrees of it before regaining his balance.  Tobizaru charges and in mid-charge notes that Ura has bounced backwards off the tawara, but in changing course fails to notice that he is now squarely behind the confused gyoji, and all three end up in the timing judge's lap.  A rematch is called and excitement builds as a new gyoji is called for.  Seven more staredowns follow until it is discovered that the reason the timing judge has still not given the signal is because he is unconscious as his injuries set in post-monoii.  A new timing judge enters, and the second tachiai is completely opposite to the first, as both try to get lower than the other and go headfirst into the centre of the dohyo at the same time.  Rematch again.  Both rikishi take extra time with the wiping cloth, plotting zany strategies to consider.  Ura lines up far back from the line, and Tobizaru lines up backwards!  Ura charges, Tobizaru jumps straight up, lands perfectly as Ura rushes below, to push for the easy okuridashi.  Mono-ii.  Finally, the match is decided in Tobizaru's favour as the head judge explains "we think this is illegal but we don't care, there are twelve more matches to go and we don't have all night!"

Both rikishi are disqualified for doing shokkiri outside of jungyo.

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Does claiming Hakuho looks fit and ready to take the title in a national newspaper and on TV - less than 24 hours before he withdrew from the tournament - count as a ridiculous prediction?

On the bright side it might be enough to land me a lucrative gig at FiveThirtyEight

Edited by John Gunning
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Takanosho earns a new nickname after failing to turn up for his matches.......

Taka no show..........

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3 hours ago, John Gunning said:

Does claiming Hakuho looks fit and ready to take the title in a national newspaper and on TV - less than 24 hours before he withdrew from the tournament - count as a ridiculous prediction?

On the bright side it might be enough to land me a lucrative gig at FiveThirtyEight

Yeah, you both were working with the best information available, only you happened to be misled by what the information was saying.

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13 hours ago, John Gunning said:

Does claiming Hakuho looks fit and ready to take the title in a national newspaper and on TV - less than 24 hours before he withdrew from the tournament - count as a ridiculous prediction?

On the bright side it might be enough to land me a lucrative gig at FiveThirtyEight

How shocking of you to be gulled by that mountebank Hakuho!  I will no longer refer to you as Gunning-sensei.

Yours sincerely, Sir Reginald Sumotwit

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Ichinojo goes beast mode and beats Kaisei using shumoku-zori (bell hammer backwards body drop), which splits the dohyo clean in half the moment Kaisei's body touches down.

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