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Ridiculous Predictions September Basho

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Remember, we're looking for the absurd and bizarre, not the merely unlikely.  Save the "Onosho zensho yusho!" stuff for the Yes You Heard Right This the Real Aki (September 2020) Honbasho Thread Warning Spoilers thread.

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1) Tobizaru, the Flying Minkey, goes 10-5 and gets a Fighting Spirit Prize.  "I owe it all to my new trainer", he explains, "Yuri, the trainer who trains."

2) Takakeisho, stuffed with high-quality restaurant food by his fiance, is pushed out by Tamawashi and rolls continuously up the hanamichi, bowling over two oyakata.  Getting up, he peels off a pair of yobidashi who had gotten caught up in his mawashi.

3) With limited seating for the basho, tempers flare between factions headed by Mitakeumi's Mom and Takayasu's Mom.  An unseemly riot breaks out in front of the Kokugikan. An oyakata on dustbin duty is injured, and NHK announcers are seen calling for backup Tagalog interpreters.

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Hakuho bowls out the tate-gyoji, who tragically lands in his ceremonial dagger. The greatest irony being that he actually gave the correct verdict while airborne.

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Hattorizakura Jonokuchi zensho yusho.

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Four sekiwakes on the November basho banzuke.

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Zero positive COVID-19 tests.

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Ichinojo loses 50 kilos and Hoshoryu gains 50. All the gyoji and shimpans think that nothing has changed. Ichinojo of course takes the Yusho (at M17), but they think it was Hoshoryu and they give him the Cup. Asashoryu’s nephew becomes M1e next tournament and starts his Ozeki run. 

Edited by Kenneth Minami
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I'll also predict that Ichinojo takes the yusho from the bottom of makuuchi. Or almost.

Back in makuuchi, gojira-mode Ichinojo reminisces his debut makuuchi basho and goes 14-1 into senshuraku playoff (only loss due to his thumb stepping over the tawara and out while tsuridashi-ing Takakeisho, whose girth now surpasses even His Roundness Chiyomaru and practically prevents anyone seeing what's behind him). Challenging him is 14-1 Enho, who electrified everyone all basho long by going under and everywhere, and in the process unfortunately got a hansoku loss against Takayasu, the hairiest rikishi on the dohyo. He was called for the foul when trying to get a grip for his favourite shitatenage, but went too far under and yanked the soul, um, hair of his poor opponent (2 basho kyujo). Enho ends up winning the yusho as Ichinojo surprisingly decides to go kyujo 5 meters from the hanamichi, citing back pain and more importantly "they don't sell bento here anymore... no, I don't like macarons...". This marks the first kyujo in a yusho-deciding playoff in sumo history. NSK cancels the (previously unconditional) Fighting Spirit prize for Ichinojo and Technique prize for Enho.

The yokozunas? They both kyujo from day 1. Kakuryu announces retirement immediately. Hakuho, who had been practising his intai speech during the last 2 weeks, pissed off that Kakuryu beat him to it and decides to have a go at another basho.

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In a bout between Enho and Kaisei, Enho gets his head stuck in Kaisei's navel, but still somehow wins the match.

An unprecedented and unseasonal snowfall occurs; Terutsuyoshi is called upon to salt the walkways around the arena.

The Ghostbusters are called in by local authorities to repel what is feared to be the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, but to everyone's embarrassment it is only Chiyomaru.

 

Edited to add my most ridiculous prediction of all:

I win all the sumo games I enter!

Edited by just_some_guy
words
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Enho, now down to 92kg on the Kyokai website, holds a press conference outside Miyagino beya a few days before the tournament.  Hakuho announces that Enho has been appointed dietary and kitchen manager at Miyagino.  Enho takes the stage and announces the immediate contribution to local food banks and other charities of 60 tons of rice stored in the Miyagino basement.  Press members are given samples of a strange new dish that looks somewhat like rice but tastes subtly different.  A hubbub descends over the press as they wonder what the new food is and Hakuho announces that anyone caught uttering the words "rice-a-roni" or "vermicelli" or writing it in the media will have their press credentials immediately removed.  Enho announces a new Miyagino policy: all daily covid tests will be accompanied by a weigh-in.  Miyagino rikishi win every match they contest over the first four days of the tournament, while losing a kg or two each day.  On day five, Jk19e 2-0 Ishii is matched up against 0-2 Hattorizakura and somehow loses by okuridashi, to the utter surprise of everyone.  Later a video emerges of Hattorizakura swapping his bento box for Ishii's while Ishii was called away to take a covid test.  Shikihide immediately negotiates a contract for the Miyagino power food and Hattorizakura gets his first KK.  Enho, now down to 79kg but 13-1, faces 13-1 Ichinojo on the final day to force Hakuho to defeat Kakuryu to force a playoff, and wins by tossing Ichinojo into the vacant row three.  Replays and the lack of fans allow microphones to pick up on replay Ichonojo whispering the words "rice-a-roni" and "vermicelli" during the staredown.  Kakuryu announces his intai immediately, and a yusho playoff commences between Enho and Hakuho after a short break.  The playoff lasts 42 minutes and finally is declared a draw, and the joint winners make trillions of yen marketing the Miyagino power food.  Covid rates in Tokyo, and then Japan as a whole begin to decline and scientists speculate that the Miyagino secret formula is the elusive cure.  Japan begins mass exporting rice as the domestic market for it crashes.  Hakuho retires, Enho is promoted to yokozuna and becomes the first yokozuna outweighed by the rope itself.  

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After a very hard fought tournament, we have 21 at 8-7 and the rest makekoshi at the end of day 15. Since nobody knows how to perform the ketteisen in that case and it would take too long for NHK anyhow, in a battle royal the last on the dohyo gets the yusho, which is of course Enho, who manages to duck and dance around, till he finally pushes out Asanoyama from behind.

With his 2nd runner-up result in a row and the banzuke committee (and the rijikai) permanently drunk, Asanoyama is promoted to yokozuna, after the YDC in a remote meeting accidentally voted in favor, because the members pushed the wrong buttons.

Edited by Akinomaki
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4 hours ago, Ichimawashi said:

Enho, now down to 92kg on the Kyokai website, holds a press conference outside Miyagino beya a few days before the tournament.  Hakuho announces that Enho has been appointed dietary and kitchen manager at Miyagino.  Enho takes the stage and announces the immediate contribution to local food banks and other charities of 60 tons of rice stored in the Miyagino basement.  Press members are given samples of a strange new dish that looks somewhat like rice but tastes subtly different.  A hubbub descends over the press as they wonder what the new food is and Hakuho announces that anyone caught uttering the words "rice-a-roni" or "vermicelli" or writing it in the media will have their press credentials immediately removed.  Enho announces a new Miyagino policy: all daily covid tests will be accompanied by a weigh-in.  Miyagino rikishi win every match they contest over the first four days of the tournament, while losing a kg or two each day.  On day five, Jk19e 2-0 Ishii is matched up against 0-2 Hattorizakura and somehow loses by okuridashi, to the utter surprise of everyone.  Later a video emerges of Hattorizakura swapping his bento box for Ishii's while Ishii was called away to take a covid test.  Shikihide immediately negotiates a contract for the Miyagino power food and Hattorizakura gets his first KK.  Enho, now down to 79kg but 13-1, faces 13-1 Ichinojo on the final day to force Hakuho to defeat Kakuryu to force a playoff, and wins by tossing Ichinojo into the vacant row three.  Replays and the lack of fans allow microphones to pick up on replay Ichonojo whispering the words "rice-a-roni" and "vermicelli" during the staredown.  Kakuryu announces his intai immediately, and a yusho playoff commences between Enho and Hakuho after a short break.  The playoff lasts 42 minutes and finally is declared a draw, and the joint winners make trillions of yen marketing the Miyagino power food.  Covid rates in Tokyo, and then Japan as a whole begin to decline and scientists speculate that the Miyagino secret formula is the elusive cure.  Japan begins mass exporting rice as the domestic market for it crashes.  Hakuho retires, Enho is promoted to yokozuna and becomes the first yokozuna outweighed by the rope itself.  

Wow ... just wow.

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2 hours ago, Akinomaki said:

After a very hard fought tournament, we have 21 at 8-7 and the rest makekoshi at the end of day 15. Since nobody knows how to perform the ketteisen in that case and it would take too long for NHK anyhow, in a battle royal the last on the dohyo gets the yusho, which is of course Enho, who manages to duck and dance around, till he finally pushes out Asanoyama from behind.

With his 2nd runner-up result in a row and the banzuke committee (and the rijikai) permanently drunk, Asanoyama is promoted to yokozuna, after the YDC in a remote meeting accidentally voted in favor, because the members pushed the wrong buttons.

The image of a "battle royal" for the yusho is oddly appealing.  Shall we have a Poll based on which sekitori we think would pull brass knuckles or a folding chair out of his mawashi?

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17 hours ago, yohcun said:

Hakuho bowls out the tate-gyoji, who tragically lands in his ceremonial dagger. The greatest irony being that he actually gave the correct verdict while airborne.

The most ridiculous prediction here is Hakuho entering the basho ;-)

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On day 1, Gagamaru surprisingly turns up in a white van and takes to the dohyo wearing an ill fitting mawashi. Seemingly powered by some mystery force that takes him back to January 2012, he powers his way to a 7-0 sandanme yusho.

Upon accepting the yusho certificate, as he bends to bow a small trinket is forced out of the mawashi and cracks on the dohyo floor, to reveal a small amount of grey dust. This finally solves what had become rab-bit of a mystery 

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14 minutes ago, Jemuzu said:

On day 1, Gagamaru surprisingly turns up in a white van and takes to the dohyo wearing an ill fitting mawashi. Seemingly powered by some mystery force that takes him back to January 2012, he powers his way to a 7-0 sandanme yusho.

Upon accepting the yusho certificate, as he bends to bow a small trinket is forced out of the mawashi and cracks on the dohyo floor, to reveal a small amount of grey dust. This finally solves what had become rab-bit of a mystery 

I like, but out of reactions today.

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Tokushoryu will win the Yusho----------Oh no that happened already, after that anything could happen.-

Day 1 Gets a late start when all the rikishi forget to set their alarms and sleep in 

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In Juryo, the usual parity prevails and nobody mounts a serious charge for even a chance at 10 wins.  After 13 days, 14 Juryo rikishi are 6-7 and the other 14 are 7-6.  Surprisingly, when the Juryo matches for day 14 are announced, not one of them features two rikishi with the same number of wins, all feature a 6-7 guy against a 7-6 guy.  Officials in charge of scheduling are tight-lipped about this strange anomaly, but one reporter finds a source in the 12-year old yobidashi trainee who removes the sake bottles from the meeting room and complains of extra work this basho, then admits that he heard a telling conversation.  "They all noticed how popular the six-way playoff was last time, and they decided to try to break the record this time."  Day 14 obliges as three controversial mono-ii decisions guide all 14 matches to the desired result, 28 rikishi at 7-7 and a seemingly guaranteed 14-way mega-playoff.  But Ichinojo and Kaisei leave the ring together and Kaisei needs the jumbo wheelchair, and is kyujo for Day 15, leaving an odd number in Makuuchi, normally requiring a Juryo callup.  The schedule makers solve this problem in a unique way, setting the 14 quad-seven (7-7 vs 7-7) matches for the final day, and calling up 6-0 Ura from way down at Ms5w to earn his way back to sekitori by defeating M7w Aoiyama for the first time ever.  Among the Day 15 Juryo winners are Kotonowaka, who began with 7 straight losses, but defeats Ikioi for the KK, Nishikigi to get to the final 7, Akua and Akiseyama in a 3-way, and finally Chiyonoo and Chiyoshoma in the final 3-way, to take the yusho by winning 13 straight, including five playoff matches.  The Ura vs Aoiyama match is a simultaneous henka and Ura stops himself at the edge of the ring while Aoiyama leaps out of the ring at the other side and fifteen steps later ends up near the box seats, losing the match but winning a few portions of someone's bento box during his visit.

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Jeez, man, I don't know if that was a satire or a conspiracy theory!  I am in awe.

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Abi is taking no chances -- quiet as a mouse, only answers "No, ma-am" and "Yes, sir", sober and silent on the dohyo.  Then on day 5 he launches a tsuppari blast against Sadanoumi, who does an Olympic tumbling run off the dohyo and lands spread-eagle on top of Asakayama Oyakata.  As the flood breaks, Abi can't stop laughing hysterically and has to be carted off in the wheelchair.

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Tochinoshin, in grim acceptance of the state of his knees, hires an actual crane in order to lift his opponents out of the ring. 

The Kyokai steps in, however Tochi pulls out the 'Official NSK Sumo Rulebook' and points out that their are 'no rules forbidding the use of cranes'. 

From day 2 onwards, each match is a battle between two rikishi utilising construction/farming/mining machinery.

Somehow Hakuho still wins. 

Edited by Houmanumi
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After 3 days of surprising kachiage-knockout wins by Kakuryu, it is revealed he had his ulna replaced with a stainless steel implant during his "elbow surgery". A furios (why didn't HE have that idea?) Hakuho immediatelly drops out (official reason sore pinky) to go for a full pimp-my-body at Kawasaki Heavy Industries. There he meets Takanohana who came in even a day earlier. Albeit stating in the past he had no political ambitions, this is the perfect time to take over from his old buddy Shinzo. And this my friends, is how the AGE OF MECHANOHANA begins.

Edited by Benihana
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Kakuryu starts 5-0, winning by elbows

Naomi Osaka starts 6-0, US open

Kaisei starts 7-0, dancing Sambaya

Tochinoshin starts 8-0, in knee-deep-boots

Enho starts 9-0, dating a 90-60-90 girl

Terunofuji starts 10-0, 100 secs each bout

Kaio starts 11-0, by sashi-chigae monoiis

Kei Nishikori starts 12-0, two sets 2 love

Onosho starts 13-0,  but-oh-no-yushoo

pandaazuma starts 0-14, all sg tiebreaks

hakuho starts 0-1, breaks 15 bones in toe

 

 

Edited by Andonishiki
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New sponsors at Aki 2020 include Weight watchers,Fat fighters-Japan and Slimline tonic water.

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14 hours ago, Houmanumi said:

Tochinoshin, in grim acceptance of the state of his knees, hires an actual crane in order to lift his opponents out of the ring. 

The Kyokai steps in, however Tochi pulls out the 'Official NSK Sumo Rulebook' and points out that their are 'no rules forbidding the use of cranes'. 

From day 2 onwards, each match is a battle between two rikishi utilising construction/farming/mining machinery.

Somehow Hakuho still wins. 

Mobile Mawashi Gundam XI: Duel of the Fighting Robot Sekiwake

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